A Fate Worse than Death

OK, I exaggerate slightly, but the thought of watching a Michigan or Georgia game with Joe Theismann in the booth frightens me. Hell, the thought of watching an LSU-Mississippi State game with Theismann in the booth is revolting. Joe Theismann having anything to do with college football is a terrible, terrible idea. So naturally, ESPN has made just that offer to Joe and he's mulling it over right now. In other words, he's probably waiting for a better offer and when Adam Smith's faith in efficient free markets is confirmed by the fact that no such offer is coming, Theismann will take the offer from ESPN and we'll therefore be subjected to a Musberger-Theismann booth for major games, a veritable Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact of evil entities joining forces to screw the Poles/college football fans' psyches.

When Theismann was covering Monday Night Football, I didn't mind so much because, contrary to ESPN's annoying ad campaign, I don't view college football as an hors d'oerve for Monday night and I can live without MNF. Now, to quote George, the evil sheriff/interim coach from Hoosiers:

Look, mister, there's... two kinds of dumb, uh... guy that gets naked and runs out in the snow and barks at the moon, and, uh, guy who does the same thing in my living room. First one don't matter, the second one you're kinda forced to deal with.

George will personally hide-strap your ass to a pine rail and send you up the Monon Line!

What's frustrating, but not surprising about this move is that college football is yet again the red-headed stepchild for ESPN. I know that the NFL is more popular and it makes sense for ESPN to pair its best talent with its highest-rated property. That said, ESPN is surely motivated in this instance by the epic amount of bile slung at Theismann by non-functionally retarded football fans, so why is it passing Theismann off on college football fans? Do we not have feelings? Do we have a burning desire to be told over and over "you know, I talked with coach so-and-so and he told me..." unlike NFL fans? Are we to play the role of altar boys at parishes to which the molesting priest has been transferred instead of being unfrocked?

In the realm of Bill Simmons's good ideas, the iPod mix to replace commentary during sporting events is looking like a better and better idea.