What a F***ing Shock

Bill Simmons has invented a pseudo-scientific scale to justify the Celtics getting Kevin Durant. There's a surprise. And the best part is that his justification is that Boston has suffered more than any other NBA franchise since the mid-80s. I can't imagine why SportsGuy would have chosen the mid-80s as the starting point for suffering. Maybe because the Celtics won 16 NBA Titles before 1987, whereas no other franchise was in double digits? On that basis, I hereby anoint the Braves as the franchise that has undergone the most suffering since May 13, 2007 because they have lost six of eight, including three of four to the lowly Nationals.

This is why I hate Boston fans (at least to the extent that Simmons is representative of said class). It isn't enough that their NFL team has won three Super Bowls this decade. It isn't enough that I vaguely remember something about their baseball team winning a World Series in somewhat dramatic fashion. It isn't enough that their NBA franchise has more titles than any other. Their ingrained persecution complex, arising in part out of a complex regarding New York City and in part because of the Red Sox history of close-but-no-cigar, makes them insufferable.

As a result, they claim entitlement to Oden or Durant because (boo hoo hoo) the Celtics weren't good over the past few years and are a whopping two years removed from a divisional title and five years removed from a trip to the Eastern Conference Finals. Cry me a friggin' river. The Hawks haven't won a divisional in 13 years and they have never made the conference finals in Atlanta. (Bill, do you think it's possible that Boston outdraws Atlanta in pro hoops because Boston fans grew up with Bird, McHale and multiple banners, whereas Atlantans grew up with Dominique getting no support and the team acting as a foil for the Celtics and Pistons? Sorta like the fact that Georgia clobbers BC in college football attendance because Georgians grew up with Herschel Walker and multiple SEC titles, whereas Massachusettsians(?) did not?)

I have rooted for the Hawks since 1984 when my family moved to Georgia. I've never seen my team play a game in the NBA final four. Don't talk to me about suffering. (Did I mention that it's a bad idea to go toe-to-toe with a Jew on an "I've suffered worse" issue?) To paraphrase William Munny, deserve's got nothing to do with who wins the lottery tonight. But if it does, Boston fans deserve Oden or Durant about as much Mike Vick deserves to be on the board at PETA.