Tuesday, May 22, 2007

What a F***ing Shock

Bill Simmons has invented a pseudo-scientific scale to justify the Celtics getting Kevin Durant. There's a surprise. And the best part is that his justification is that Boston has suffered more than any other NBA franchise since the mid-80s. I can't imagine why SportsGuy would have chosen the mid-80s as the starting point for suffering. Maybe because the Celtics won 16 NBA Titles before 1987, whereas no other franchise was in double digits? On that basis, I hereby anoint the Braves as the franchise that has undergone the most suffering since May 13, 2007 because they have lost six of eight, including three of four to the lowly Nationals.

This is why I hate Boston fans (at least to the extent that Simmons is representative of said class). It isn't enough that their NFL team has won three Super Bowls this decade. It isn't enough that I vaguely remember something about their baseball team winning a World Series in somewhat dramatic fashion. It isn't enough that their NBA franchise has more titles than any other. Their ingrained persecution complex, arising in part out of a complex regarding New York City and in part because of the Red Sox history of close-but-no-cigar, makes them insufferable.

As a result, they claim entitlement to Oden or Durant because (boo hoo hoo) the Celtics weren't good over the past few years and are a whopping two years removed from a divisional title and five years removed from a trip to the Eastern Conference Finals. Cry me a friggin' river. The Hawks haven't won a divisional in 13 years and they have never made the conference finals in Atlanta. (Bill, do you think it's possible that Boston outdraws Atlanta in pro hoops because Boston fans grew up with Bird, McHale and multiple banners, whereas Atlantans grew up with Dominique getting no support and the team acting as a foil for the Celtics and Pistons? Sorta like the fact that Georgia clobbers BC in college football attendance because Georgians grew up with Herschel Walker and multiple SEC titles, whereas Massachusettsians(?) did not?)

I have rooted for the Hawks since 1984 when my family moved to Georgia. I've never seen my team play a game in the NBA final four. Don't talk to me about suffering. (Did I mention that it's a bad idea to go toe-to-toe with a Jew on an "I've suffered worse" issue?) To paraphrase William Munny, deserve's got nothing to do with who wins the lottery tonight. But if it does, Boston fans deserve Oden or Durant about as much Mike Vick deserves to be on the board at PETA.

13 comments:

LD said...

I believe the proper term for a resident of the Bay State is "Masshole".

Ryno said...

The sporting gods aren't without a sense of justice.
The Celtics got the 5th pick in the draft.

I'm expecting 4 or 5 consecutive "Woe is me...." articles from Simmons.


C'mon you Reds, beat Milan!

Grandy said...

The complex this gives Simmons could be a gold mine of entertainment for years.

Michael said...

I think I'm looking forward to Simmons's next column as fervently as I looked forward to his column after the Colts beat the Pats in the AFC Title Game.

Grandy said...

I've set personal schaudenfrued highs with this.

Joel said...

I would have gladly let the Celts get a #2 pick and take all Simmons’ drooling over Durant for the next 10 years if it meant the Hawks could have gotten the other Top 2 pick....what a letdown.

Anyone else (who watched) just get that feeling during the commercial break before they announced the top three "no, no, this is too good to be true to happen to the Hawks, they're going to get the #3, they have to, its a lock." I sure did. Seeing Lenny friggin Wilkens up there did NOT help.

(Way too) early draft thinking…I’m hoping for Horford at #3, followed by Mike Conley having terrible workouts and slipping to #11. If not him, Acie Law IV. I will be sick and might possibly start a witch-hunt on Billy Knight if any long term projects (the Wrights, the Asian end up to us at #3.). Trading our picks for anything that would help us win NOW would be appreciated as well, although I can’t see Knight being able to pull that off successfully.

Anyone else find it funny that the top 2 picks went to what will be the two smallest markets in the NBA (once the Sonics move to OKC?) So much for rigging the lottery, I suppose.

Fox said...

Can the Hawks justify not taking Conley at 3? They have to get a PG, don't they? Now that Deron Williams is exploding on the scene, they officially passed on two franchise PGs to take Marvin. Brilliant!!

Grandy said...

We're screwed either way.

I was thinking about Wright. He could be exciting to watch last year, but he's really unpolished offensively, having a game reminiscent of Boozer's while he was at Duke (lots of scoring inside of 4 feet). Boozer is a better FT shooter, though. And to give some credit, I recall Boozer started scoring on more than dunks and layups his last year. He's also turned into a good pro, but he's got a sturdy build. Wright is like 170 (to continue the mildly hyperbolic theme of this paragraph). This probably means we take Wright, who is the worst choice at #3.

I don't feel like Conley is worth a 3, but I've frequently wrong. Saying we're screwed is a safe call, so I'm sticking with it.

Ryno said...

The gents on 790 the Zone like the Cory Brewer/ Acie Law Combo.


This morning they sounded convinced that Cory Brewer has Scottie Pippen written all over him.

Michael said...

That's consistent. They bitch about the Hawks drafting too many swingmen and no point guards and now they want the team to take a swingman and a scoring point.

Fox said...

Maybe if the Hawks offer the 3 and 11 and Marvin, they could Deron Williams or Chris Paul?

On second thought, there's no way the Hornets or Jazz do that.

Anonymous said...

Joel - New Orleans (1.3M metro area residents before Katrina) is smaller than Portland (2.3M).

Really, I don't know why the NBA ever let the Hornets move from Charlotte to New Orleans in the first place, much less why they'd have them move back now, after OKC has strongly supported them. N.O. is just not a very big market and its fans are geared towards football.

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