Parenting and husbanding duties caused me to miss most of Orson's initial foray into the seedy world of sports talk radio. I had been all ready to play the role of cliched sports talk caller, from the "first-time caller, long-time listener" introduction to the "I'll hang up and listen" conclusion with 17 irrational demands for firings and a bevy of "if you're not first, you're last" pronouncements in the middle, but sadly, it was not to be. That said, I did find the designated topics interesting:
1. Make one prediction about next season pulled straight from the deepest recesses of your ass.
Lloyd Carr announces his retirement in the bowels of Michigan Stadium after a win over Ohio State.
2. Who’s your shameshag? Someone keeps telling us that, for example, Christiane Amanpour is not hot. They are wrong, of course, but this would for a normal person constitute a “shameshag,” the celebrity only you find irresistable.
Jennifer Capriati. There's little doubt that she would be a fun drinking buddy, and the non-stop headlights she showed during matches seem to be a positive sign of fun.
3. Tweak one thing about college football. Prohibiting the wearing of pants on Erin Andrews does not count. Okay, it might.
Centralized scheduling of out-of-conference scheduling. The problem right now in college football is that major powers are too afraid to schedule challenging non-conference games because they need the revenue from 7-8 home games to keep up in the facilities arms race and because there is more to be lost than to be gained from playing a tough game, since voters have very short memories and tend to look at nothing more than a team's record. There is also a problem that the voters are presented with a very difficult task in comparing teams when many teams never leave their regions and thus comparisons are very difficult. So, from now on, here are the rules:
a. Each team will have one protected non-conference rival.
b. The remaining three non-conference games will be selected at random in February. I-A college football teams will be divided into three pools. Each team will play a game against a team in one of the three pools.
c. The protected rivalry games will be synchronized with the remaining non-conference schedules so each team will play two home games and two road games outside of the conference.
4. Hire one coach, fire one coach. Simple enough.
Jim Tressel, you're fired. You're boring, you dress like an accountant, you look the other way on everything bad that happens surrounding your program, and you beat Michigan too much for my tastes. Bobby Knight, you're the new head football coach at your alma mater. You always were a big fan of Woody Hayes, so now you get a chance to emulate him. Bring the red sweaters back.
5. Sweaters with ties: yes or no?
No no no, unless you're English.